


It will heal

by Eluvian



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Aya is beautiful, Comfort, Everybody Lives, F/M, First Kiss, Imagined Murder, Insecurity, Jaal lives, Kett facility, Memories, Nightmare, Remnant monolith, Turn off translator, User is obsessed with nature, alone time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:40:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11377560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Camille Ryder has a nightmare, it's kind of obvious she would have nightmares since she's afraid her "friend" (or more than a friend) might be in danger. She thinks herself a complete idiot for troubling herself and others because of her mind's problems, but finally she gets comfort, and also an idea that might be useful.





	1. Chapter 1

Can't find... can't find the way.... want to get out of here.

She wants nothing more than to get out of this place. But she has to stay. For one reason.

_Him._

 

It was like walking or running through endless corridors in a nightmare. All doors were closed, or opened to the same corridor she was already on. Every pod was another disappointment. He was nowhere. Nowhere. She asked everyone but they were afraid of her, couldn't utter a word. The look in their eyes. Like she was some kind of monster. Words came to her mind randomly, orderlessly, messy, accusing words. Alien. Shoot her. Traitor.

Which she knew she wasn't...

I want to save you. Can't you see? I just want to save you... _No,_ something in her said. _You just want to save HIM._

She went on. Steps after steps, pods after pods. She knew that only minutes or maybe seconds were left because any time they could figure out she's in here. Every second she could be killed by a kett weapon and a new Pathfinder would follow her. Maybe Cora. She'd always wanted to be one. _Maybe she'll be better than me... of course I'd think that. That's the only thing everyone would think. In a movie. Or a game.  
_

Wait.

Pathfinders.

SAM. _Where is SAM?_ She didn't feel his presence and was shocked by only realising it now. _Of course,_ it came to her mind, SAM had been gone for a long time. Knight made sure of that.

Now she missed his annoying words. She would have been happy to have anyone... just anyone, right now... anyone to talk to, even in the last seconds. Does it have a point to feel comfortable before you die?

Of course it does. That you still FEEL. After death you feel nothing. After death nothing matters. Nothing IS.

After death you are az unmarked grave killing machine exterminating you own kind...

_No._

 

There stood one pod separated from the others. Somehow she KNEW that had to be his. She started running, fiercely, with clear, sheer desparation. Slowly. Her legs wouldn't obey the orders of her brain. Her heartbeat, her thoughts melted into some sticky, dark mass of reality. It held her back, it was disgusting and irritating, unbearable.

She had a strange feeling of having been here before. Heartbeat getting faster. Something was holding her back. Why now? Why now when she finally sees her goal? _SAM, why are you not here?_

_Why isn't anyone here?_

As a bit misunderstood solution two kett appeared. First thought: _I'm dead._ But they didn't seem to notice her. They slowly walked towards the solitary pod, taking their time, while there she was, screaming inside and putting all the effort in getting closer, but unable to move. Like they were in a different universe. Like there was a glass wall separating her from them.

_That glass wall is your mind. The obstacle between you and what you want to achieve. A gap you can't jump over. Human. Angara. Human. Angara. Incompatible. Wall. Stop. Turn back. Different way. You have to choose a different way. What you want is forbidden. Impossible. Out of question. You cannot break through that wall. You are an imbecile._

_No._

 

She held out her hands. That's what it was. A glass wall. Have her thoughts created it? Was she forming her world? Creating the obstacles for herself? Was it her? Was her the wall?

_No. The wall is in you, primitive bastards. Humans have... are TRYING to learn not to shoot first, you think you're so developed, when you haven't even reached that? You won't teach any race anything if you kill them. You only think of yourselves. That's sadly primitive. I expected some much better villain from you, Andromeda._

_Mechanical impact won't break this wall... no..._

_Biotics? No._

_What kind of damn wall can be this strong?_

_Caged animals._

The pod opened. Just like that. It was him. The two abominations held him like doctors would do with a patient. _Week. Unable to protect. Jaal. Do something. I can't._ She was screaming, but heard no sound. Her voice faded away like all her other attempts to get close to him. _Wall. Wall is nothingness. A black hole. Devours everything and makes them nothing. Black. Squeezed. Destroyed. Like kett do with the genes. Squeeze them, poison them, turn them black and ugly and primitive..._

Two syringes. She didn't use to be afraid of syringes when she was a girl. Not on Earth. Not in the Milky Way, not when she was a young child, she grew up with no superstitious idiotic fear of spiders, dogs, horses, clowns or, say, syringes.

But now she hated them. For what they did to people.

_POI-SON._

Hands on the wall, in the air, in the nothing. Stopped by nothing. But still stopped.

 _No_. Only word. Nothing else. Desperate, instinctice, crazy. Just. _No. Please or whatever. Gods who don't exist. Do something. Somebody do something. Anything. No._

_"I always see them as unmarked graves."_

_Don't turn into an unmarked grave, Jaal, fight them. Jaal. Jaal. Your name is so short. I can say it a thousand times in a second if I'm fast. Maybe it has some power. Jaal Jaal Jaal Jaal Jaal. If you repeat a word enough time it loses its meaning. Jaal. Like you will lose yours now. Do something._

But he does nothing. He looks up into her eyes when the poison gets into his flesh.

And then he's gone.

He's gone. Worse. Changed. Corrupted.

She doesn't want to watch but she always does, she's unable not to. Her eyes are fixed on the transforming body with the same terror and disgust as the first time she saw this. But that was different. That individual she saw then was unknown.

Unknown. That's a word SAM uses often. SAM, come here, do something, stop this, kill me or whatever, do whatever to save him. KILL ME. Understand, you stupid lines of code? You are allowed to kill me. Yeah, I'm that stupid, I would do that. I say that now, because you're not here, and you won't kill me, would I say it if you were here and there would be any chance...? Or am I a coward? Is it cowardice not to get yourself klled for no reason? Is there no reason?

Philosophies in the fragment of a second. Searching for anything that will stop this. New ways, searching, looking, seeking, but always dead ends... dead ends everywhere.

 

She doesn't know how can the skin turn black so fast, how the bones rearrange themselves, how with a suffering expression the pure existence of a person is washed away, wiped in seconds.

In seconds. Which seem to be hours, hours long her soul turns just as black and full with hatred and agression and then just sorrow.

_No._

What do they say? What are the stages? Understanding, denial... what follows? Nothing follows. She's stuck at denial.

Suddenly there is no wall. No ketts. Only one. She shivers. Her instincts tell her to shoot. _Shoot at this creature. Kill. Just one of the many, you've killed thousands before, eliminate, the world will be a better plave, repeated motions, monotonous, one by one, all of them, all that you can see, kill..._

Except not. He's different. Has to be saved. You came here to save him.

_He's gone. He WAS someone to be saved. He cannot be turned back. He refused to accept it as well, but he has to. They all remain kett now, they won't be the person you knew, the person you..._

_SAM, say something useless and annoying, please... SAM..._ Complaining words cried into the void.

_Scott. I don't even have you, you won't live, or I won't live by the time you wake up... Dad, Mum, anyone... I'm a child. Just a lost child here._

_Jaal. Is gone._

Is standing in front of you.

'What are you?' asks a voice, hoarse, broken, hurt, the voice of a dead woman. Or worse. 'What are you?', she demands desparately.

'I'm...' Voice unrecognisable. Darker. Corrupted. Hesitating. 'Chosen.'

 _Oh dammit. That's the answer? That's what you are? How could you forget, why did they do this to you... why you..._ She wants to ask these questions, all of these things, but she always mutters 'What are you chosen for?'

The question. Every time.

_Every time?_

And she knows the answer will be nothing. But she had to ask because something ordered her to, something, the nothing that moved her, and stopped her, and that is controlling her voice and that was keeping her eyes fixed on this creature...

The creature that once was Jaal Ama Darav somehow has a gun in his hands which is pointed at her. She's not surprised, but her hands automatically move to her own. But - refusal.

'Please.' Voice - emotionless, like reading a script. Useless, but she has to say it. She raises her gun, aims at the head of that ugly... horrific... killable... thing. 'Please.' These words are incompatible with the look. _You don't talk to them, you kill them, these are mindless idiots..._

_I don't want to kill you. YOU. I want YOU to be there. Why are you gone? Come back!_

The image of a stubborn child shaking a dead body and asking them to come back to life. A child. She's but a child.

Sobs start to shake her body. _You should not let go. He's just one of them. Not "he". It. It's an "it". Enemy. Kill. Kill. Kill now!_

_No._

She lets her shaking hand fall down. She hears somebody crying painfully. It's her, but she doesn't feel it.

She points the gun at her own head. Cruel coldness against her hot skin, she knows it should feel like that, it should be horrible, threatening, going against the basic instinct. Heartbeats so fast, and then she moves one finger and there will be no heartbeats. She should be afraid of that. Terrified. How can this be so natural? So easy? Is it really a point when nothing matters?

Fading away, she tries to find his - its - eyes. _Do you see me? What do you see? Am I enemy? Am I nothing? Will you stop me?_

The answer is clear.

_"Stay strong and clear."_

_No._

_Okay then. Goodbye._

 

*******

 

She doesn’t open her eyes. Just breaths for a few moments. Concentrating. Dark. Hands. Clenched fist, but no gun. She tries to move them. Cool, soft blanket. Alright. She opens her eyes now. Still dark. Is it a problem that it’s still dark?

’Human beings consider it a hardship to fall asleep while the light is on’, says a familiar synthetic voice with a British accent. ’However, dark is illogically regarded as an atmosphere of danger due to previous experiences.’

’SAM!’ She’s surprised at her own voice. Or rather she’s surprised that she has one.

’Correct.’

She can’t do anything else but breathe. Fast.

’I perceived more intense brain activity than usual. The image wasn’t clear, but the patterns seemed familiar.’

  
’Of course they did.’ Sigh. ’Jaal.’ Number of heartbeats increasing. _He’s alright, he’s perfectly okay, he has to be. I’m on my ship, he’s on my ship, and this is a perfectly normal day without anything going wrong..._

 _Except my brain._ ’One of your crew. I believe you have multiple information about him, more than I do, and you don’t need me to clarify.’

’I... know. I just need to know he’s okay.’

’Considering the circumstances there is less than 0.1 percent-’

’I know!... Sorry. I shouldn’t bring it down on you....’ _Excellent. Apologizing to an AI._

’If I were like you, it would be possible that you have hurt my feelings. Luckily, that is not the case. This way I can only declare that you’re a clear sighted, benevolent person.’

’Clear sighted?!... So you think it would be a bad idea to check up on him?’ _Why am I asking him? I don’t want to hear what he says. He won’t think what I think._

’The concept "bad” is inconclusive in this matter. I would rather say completely unnecessary.’

  
’I should stop asking your advice in personal matters.’

’Do I presume rightly that it would be a time for me to apologize?’

’SAM...’ She lets out her breath slowly. ’I really missed you.’ _No. It would be MY time to apologize._

’I was here the whole time. I am unable not to be.’

  
’I didn’t.... couldn’t  hear you. Nevermind.

_I should have a nice chat with some psychologist. Because going out and get drunk in the Vortex like anyone in my place would do, is just not an option._

_Right, Lexi? Right?_

 

*******

 

So she does the completely unreasonable.

’So... I just....’ She feels like an awkward teenage girl in a third rate comedy. ’...wanted to see if you were alright.’ Watching his eyes, big ang blue, uncomprehensive. Not surprising. She has no reason to be here. But sometimes what happens in the world is completely different from what happens in your mind. She wonders if she has the right to spread it to everyone. Or at least one person. Or if she has the reason. And she suddenly realises she’s the same selfish little girl she used to be. If she has a problem... well... it would be outrageous not to have anyone recognise that problem as their own at least, or better, to solve it as well. In an instant.

But now it’s... different. And she just starts talking, her voice coming out of her mouth without the mind registering the intention.

’I just... I had a bad dream. I know – dreams, stupid. I just want you to... you think you’re strong and you really are, but there is a lot of them, and if they take you... I don’t want you as an unmarked grave. Not like those lot. I feel sorry for them but I’m despised when I look at them, I can’t help it. And seeing you like that is the most... disgusting, no, scariest thing my mind can come up with.’  _And this is the perfect reason to trouble you. Completely._ ’Just don’t let yourself be....’ _Just... nevermind what I said. I must be really going mad._

He steps a bit closer. ’Do you want to tell me what you saw?’

 ’Saw?’ _What I felt was worse. But is ’no’ an option? What... wait, you’re actually interested? Is this important?_ 'It’s kinda the same thing every time.'

’Every time.’ Doubt. It is not a declaration, rather a question. _Yeah... "Lexi: How many times? – Three, maybe f... eh... many times...."_ The usual nightmare thing. We’re in a kett facility. Endless corridors, disability to move fast, or with my normal speed, at least, and I’m... I’m looking for you because you went missing...

’And when you find me, I’m one of them.’

 _Worse._ ’You... are to become one of them.’

However long she watches his face, she can’t decide what he might be thinking. _You can be bad at hiding your emotions, but I am quite good at mixing them up..._

’I am sorry.’

’It’s not.... it’s not your fault.’

’Somehow it is.’

 _Yeah, it is, because you exist. Because you’re angara. Because I care yout you. That’s completely your fault._ She feels her face redden. ’I don’t know why I told you this. I felt I had to.’ _Not a teenage girl... a 5 year old. And what all the others see is a confident, determined leader of humanity. Well._

’It’s always good to tell.'

’You say that. Many humans don’t think so. I just... have to know that what I see is not reality, because if this happens in real life and I panic... that might kill everyone. Not just you. Oh my god, that sounded terribly cruel, I’m sorry.’ She covers her face with her hands. _Yeah, like that’s what I care about, not only my own soul being utterly destroyed. So far the possible loss of anyone else hasn’t even crossed my mind. It... it is a valid point, though. So yes, Jaal, you MUST stay alive so I won’t cause the death of everyone else. Of couse_.

’What did you do in your dreams?’

 _I wonder why you’re so curious. Angara might have a thing about dreams. For sure they don’t usually put them in one sentences with ’plans’..._ ’Well I merely... watched. I couldn’t do anything, only watch.’ She feels the panic rising inside her already. A possible feeling, approaching, the memory, the fear that it might come true. _I don’t want to tell. I don’t want to tell you this. It’s a shame that I already told you this much..._ Cornered up. Nowhere to go. Heartbeat fast. She unintentionally clenches her hands. Yes, she can still move... good... Blue eyes piercing into hers, connecting with the almost clearly visible desperation. His eyes are caring, questioning, non-believing, knowing, accusing eyes. _No._

 _No._ ’I...’ sigh. ’Okay, I’m sorry. I...’

’You killed me. Or the thing I became. In a dream. Several times.’

 _No... yes!_ She stares at her feet. _Kill. Me. No. Well, actually, I did that too._ She almost wants to laugh. ’I actually did, but that’s not the point... or partly... I did that. Until last time.’

  
’Meaning?' He's inqiry tells that he really cares and that the answer isn't only about a stupid dream...

  
Some strange, cold confidence goes through her as she says emptily into the void: ’Last time I killed myself.’

  
Hands on her upper arm. He moves so fast that she’s almost scared, she would be scared if there was the slightest chance he’d hurt her. She’d never seen such a strict expression on his face. She looks up, looking without blinking, into two oceans.

’You don’t... you don’t do anything like that.’ _Why? It was much better than shooting you..._ Strangely indeed, it was. She doesn't no why this feels good, so good. The sentence rpeats in her head several times. Are his hands shaking? His voice surely is. Silent, very silent words, yet they sound as an intimidation. Positive intimidation. Is there a word for that if there’s one for "good fear”? Dos’ashaan. _Might I die of that?_

’It was a dream’, she says dumbly.

’So you said at the beginning. Yet you came to me and told the whole story. It is clear you don’t think it’s not important.'

Somehow it makes her glad and satisfied to see him so nervous about that particular part of the insane story her mind made up. She also feels selfish for that, but maybe that’s... good-selfish now. _Undoubtedly we will have to invent more words about the good side of otherwise bad things._  
  
' _IT_ is not important', she says silently. She feels safe in his embrace of rage and protection. 'Just be careful. I'm a selfish bastard, yes, but I'm not ready to lose a fellow like you. Yes, it's partly because you're special, and no, it's not like I wouldn't care about your life if you were human, of course it's impossible to imagine what you'd be like then, you're so non-human, and I like that, humans can be really hateful sometimes, especially when they can't shut up, like me right now. So. I think you're... special among special. But you too have a thing for revenges. Which might get you into insane situations. Useless. Not getting yourself killed is more important than fastly and angrily killing a thing that would be killed anyway, just because you're angry at it. i'm not implying anything. Okay, maybe I am. You're incredible when you fight but I don't want... I'm not saying I don't want a hero but I don't want a dead one.' She sees that for every sentence of hers he would have two more contras in his head but he doesn't interrupt, maybe because he's just being polite or he knows there would be no use. 'Is a non-dead hero type possible for you?'  
  


_Yes, I'm overreacting. Basicly everything. Yes, I'm childish, I know. Yes, I will leave you alone. Sorry._ But instead of getting answers like these a smile is all she gets and arms folding closer around her. Not completely a hug, but... almost. Basically someone could call it that. _Okay, than I won't..._

'You should spend some time somewhere peaceful, on a non-work oriented occasion.'  
  


'Funny, you're not the first one to tell me that...'  
  
  


_'You should really go away somewhere.'_  
_'Lexi, and how would no one notice?'_  
_'What does it matter if they do?'_  
_'We have more important matters than my...'_  
_'No matter is more important than a leader's healthy mental condition.'_  
_'And are you sure that wandering alone wasting my time somewhere in a faraway edge of the galaxy would help my mental condition?'_  
_'I didn't say you should go alone...'_

_'What?!'_


	2. Fragments of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One fragment when she created a world of death, another when she created one of new life...

 

_Aya is a wonderful place. Just not at times like these._

_When I have to put your life in the hands of..._

_Why are they so stupid. Why violence, why always violence?_

_Questions. You’re asking me to let him live, him, who is the cause of so many’s death and might be the cause of yours. His gun’s pointing at your head and mine’s at his... your words echo in my mind but my instincts scream. I have to save you, I can’t let this happen, you cannot die, I don’t care about the whole world or universe or diplomacy or these savages at all but you can’t die._

_Dammit, your species is as stubborn as mine. And look who’s talking. Revenge. All they see is revenge. Sometimes all you see is revenge. I want to make you see. But he will kill you, he’s able to, I can see it in his eyes. They can’t at the least see what they have. They have a planet they could live on. They do not see moisture pouring down on the leaves, the shine of the sun stroking them, all they see is guns and blood. It’s grey. Their minds are grey. This is not patriotism. We don’t want to hurt anyone, to hurt anything, just to explore and make it better but blood is not what nurtures the plants..._

_My thoughts are battling with each other. One moment I just look at him and want to pull the trigger and make his endless speech stop._

_No. It’s not endless. He has a plan. A pretty blunt plan, he plans to do he same at a moment when maybe not everyone”s expecting it..._

_And I have to watch and hear the bullet leading towards your direction. You will die. You are maybe already dead, at this moment, when the sound and the thought finally reaches my mind, this time it’s not my dream, it’s reality, and my hands are just holding to my once-cold weapon which is of no use now, fists clenched, and I think maybe now it doesn’t matter, I will just kill him anyway, my muscles crave for the motion and my mind wants him just lying in blood down there on the ground and I don’t care if the next moment it will be me and all this will be for nothing, for one moment the animalistic instincts almost take over me and I feel my hand move and my grey-cold-dead-hard determination clash him into pieces, but just then your words arrive at me and I turn my face._

_And you’re alive. He’s alive too, but suddenly he doesn’t matter, you live, he missed, that arrogant bastard missed from who knows how many metres, I can see the fresh scar on your face which would be quite impossible and unbelievable were it not me right now who saw it. Your eyes are untouched. Your sight will be perfect. Still perfect. Those blue eyes. And the world I just created for myself suddenly collapses._

_I believe I have created many worls that collapsed. And I’m damned happy they did._

_***_

 

”I was... very worried _._ ” _Bit of an understatement. I was – kind of – totally freaked out and in the total crisis of undecisiveness, thanks to you, or... no, maybe this was indeed the right solution, but damn, you’ve only survived by a hair, kind of literally, and where would I be if that bullet went just a few centimeters to the right? Where? You will have no answer it, I assume._

„It will heal. All scars do.”

_How... and why can you be so calm? Anger and helplessness and incomprehension. My mind and body are shaking at the pretence that I’m  in control of the situation, just like so many times. Your siblings are having hugs with their mothers and all I get is being a little bit closer to you than usual, a soft touch of your covered hands on my face and mine on your arms, our bodies separated by thick layers of armor but out minds meet, they collide, they stare at each other, they talk much more than we actually do and they laugh and sing and dance. They – at least mine almost drowns you in a strong embrace and I almost think that now you would kiss me. That this would be the end of these few moments which I will have to take with me and cherish for a long time until another comes, and till then I can only live in hope. I hope now. I dream..._

_But you don’t. Just a few seconds later you are again so far away that even if I wanted to i couldn’t get any closer. You’re afraid or just... want to wait. Time. Time is something I do not understand right now. It goes by differently always. When you were almost killed, the bullet’s way... it made those seconds months and years, ages, and now, when we almost-hugged, they were ages too but not long enough. Not at all long anough._

_I sigh with my lungs craving for the freshness of Aya’s pleasant air which is completely not Earth and yet does not hurt me a bit, instead welcomes me, quite unlike its inhabitants, and my mind craving for a few more fragments of time to spend with you. I don’t want to get back to my duties. Because just for those moments I made it visible to you how afraid I was, I didn’t have to keep it a secret, you already saw I can be weak, you lt me be weak, hell, I think you made me even weaker sometimes. It feels good to be fragile when you’re sure there’s someone to hold you, watch your back, if it’s safe..._

_I still don’t know if I can feel safe. But I do. What’s gonna happen? Cliche answer: time will tell. Alright, then time might just kill me._

_Yes, time will kill me eventually, but not like that..._

_Maybe I really need some stress relief._


	3. On the top of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camille finally obeys the advise that she should have a stressful day out. Turns out Jaal knows a perfect place where no one would find them. An alternate version of how things could turn out about their relationship. (Only the place is different...)

On top of the monolith the wind was strong and clear.  
Strong and clear.   
Stay strong and clear.   
The human didn’t feel so strong, but clear… clear was alright. Free. And easy. And warm. This place was secluded, overcame by nature, so it looked like Earth used to in very old post-apocalyptic films. Trees and bushes and flowers grew ont he cold, sheer, giant monument of the Remnant’s magnificent, deadly piece of rock which she always regarded as horribly frightening and ugly things which kill the landscape.  
The human and the angara stood next to each other. The human thought of one of his father’s acquaintances, Liara T’Soni, who studied protheans. ’They could communicate by touch. They sent complete messages to each other with a fingertip.’ She just said it. She’s gotten used to just saying things. That’s what the angara did to her. One particular angara.  
Minutes passed as they bathed in sunshine not thinking about how many hours they had left. A few days back she told him about a long lived Terran philosopher who said that there was a difference between outer and inner time, the two don’t always coexist, because we have in ourselves the past and the future as well, and they mingle and twist and change… Now she was trying to do her best manipulating time, and she thought she was getting quite good at it.  
’You know, I always had this problem with people. Not only humans, lots of people. They always hide, pretend, eventually forget who they are.'  
'I guess there is a reason you are talking with me right now.' She gave him a sharp glance. There are multiple reasons. 'Not only humans do that.' Oh, thank you for not letting me speak, I don't know what on Earth I would have said. Well, nothing on Earth, obviously, we're not on Earth... 'Why are you smiling?'  
'Sorry, my thoughts are just... wandering off. A bit disoriented. That's why I came here, to finally be able to be... disoriented.'  
Disoriented. She looked around. Lush forests, the exact opposite of cold metal, the blue flashing light of science, to be surrounded by it all the time and after a while it just burns into your iris, the sterilized scent, the murmuring sounds of a space station, closed inside her ship, which is her own sanctuary of course, and it cannot be said small, but it is a tiny little hole compared to...  
A whole planet.  
'And a few centuries back humanity thought it was alone. With this.' She raised her hands but they didn't touch anything, just the wind, and the outlines of the landscape around. 'Believe it or not, this place is very similar to Earth. No wonder I can breathe the air without any problems. Touch the plants... though not eat all of them.' She thought of Suvi and a small smile appeared in the corner of her mouth again. She didn't want to talk about it, it was not her "secret" to tell, but she knew he would notice. He noticed everything, the smallest change in the tone of her voice or the most invisible movement of her eyebrows. But he didn't always ask, realizing humans might not always be keen to answer. She didn't want that...  
'Maybe you could touch the water.'  
'Ehm, I... have. It was strange. Not quite the same. My skin hasn't burnt off yet, so it's... good. I cannot encourage the others to do the same, though. I have no idea what they could get themselves into', she laughed. _Besides, not everyone gets the right to venture into my domain._ Yes, it was kind of hers now. 'Not considering that at every corner something wants to attack me...'

'Need I remind you how we got here?'  
'Nevermind... I think I will be grateful that... that is, when... or if... your people will accept me. Do you think they will? Or is it just a soon-passing, idealistic, naïve dream of ours which will end in a clearly told catastrophe?’ She turned her head with a look saying “ _You know what answer I want, please say that in a very smooth voice…”_  
‘You said you didn’t believe in… “fate”, or what do you call the determined destination of your lives.’  
‘I don’t. I just… know people and they tend to disappoint my hopes.’  
‘You’re not one to be turned down by the intervention of others.’  
‘Yes, but I…’  
‘You are not alone, there are many who think like you.’  
‘In this matter.’  
‘In this matter.’  
‘Well, someone should tell Evfra this… I am only thankful for his decision to let you come with me.’  
She remembered that day. Filled with wonders and fear and ideas struggling to cope with themselves in her head, dazzled by the discovery of this new world, which… of course, viewed them as antagonistic as it could be expected… but still much better than the First Contact War. Humanity didn’t need that again, especially not in that case. And in the middle of strange looks and “it”s and strife for a blooming diplomacy their leader just says, here’s one of my kind, he will be your escort… Aand the escort turns out to be… well, a person, she doesn’t really know why she’s surprised by that, firstly just gladness that she isn’t viewed as an enemy anymore, then... talking to someone whose like you've never been before... when are you going to get used to that, human? (Never.)  
‘Your eyes are full of memories’, Jaal said, correctly again. She nodded, staring into his impossible blue gaze, thinking about a sentence beginning with “And yours are…”, but she had no idea, no, she had lots of ideas, but supposedly none could be a valid one.   
Winds blew and it didn’t hurt. It was not too cold, perfect, caressing, like a day nearing the end of summer. The stone under her feet was black but from up there she did not have to look. From down there they were intimidating, hiding the horizon with their angular, dark shapes, so she had to find a way to be above them. Clearly she knew the right person to ask. ‘This place is wonderful. If I didn’t have a species to save and probably lots of civil wars to prevent, I would just come here and live until my years are gone.’  
‘You said you get bored enclosed in a small place. This monolith is big, but coming here is not easy and it’s not… that big. To live a life on.’  
‘With your and humanity’s enhanced technology I’d finally manage to build… hmm, let’s see… bridges between the monoliths. And then above… you could have a whole planet with the population living in the clouds. Of course, who has the resources for that.’  
‘And it wouldn’t be only yours anymore.’  
‘And it wouldn’t be”, she sighed. ‘Hang on, it’s not only… mine, it was yours in the first place.’  
‘I gladly share’, he says, his smile like the soothing water of Aya’s spring which she discovered only by accident and as a secret, it was a secret that was only her own, but… she also gladly shared. “Sometimes.” _With the right people. Yes, I get it._ Shining pride warmed her heart as it often did when she spoke with him. His words were rewards… like those of humans who were usually not at all honest. But he felt honest. Not like others, not like he wanted you to believe he was honest. He didn’t need to, because it was obvious.   
’I often wandered if you would like to share if I was… different. You know. It was a huge… accident that I ended up where I am now, the Pathfinder should be my father or Cora or someone completely else. Or I could have made a decision in my childhood, anything different, actually if I did even one little thing differently, I think I’d be dead for six hundred years now. At home. On… Earth.’ She shook her head. Nope, Earth’s not home anymore… and as this thought felt sad and cold and empty a few months back, it was now alive, real and true. A bit hard to get used to the words, though.  
’Fate, again.’  
’No!’ she protested, her voice maybe more frustrated than it should have been. ’Accidents. Decisions.’  
’That I like much more.’  
’I don’t say it’s… somebody controlling it. It’s me, but I’m not always sure how to go further. I’d like to see the future my decisions will bring.’  
’We all do. For a time I thought a lot about what my life could have with Allia.’  
Her face suddenly turned red and her face towards the horizon. She could never imagine. What could she be like? After a while, of course, not all angara women seemed the same, but… but still. What was her voice like? The colour of her skin? And… what could her personality be like if…  
Nevermind. It was just still unimaginable. Jaal. With an angara girl. Well.   
’Don’t look like that, it was just an example.’  
’Look like what?’, she turned to him, doe-eyed.  
’Your eyes are like the disturbed water of an ocean when you’re annoyed.’  
’I was thinking.’  
’Oh, I’m sure.’ He smiled the way he did when she said he was a better man than Akksul. _And more modest._   
’It’s like when you’re a teenager, you’re afraid to be away from what you know, parents, home, and later you’re just yourself in the world and you surprisingly stay alive. You haven’t been struck by a lightning, you somehow manage. That’s what gives hope to a Pathfinder. I guess I found paths nobody thought existing.’  
’You need to convince yourself?’  
’No,’ She found a yellow-petaled flowery bush nearby, walked to it and of course couldn’t stand not to touch it with her fingers, ’I need you to convince me.’  
She closed her eyes, fleeing from the moment she craved for for a long time, her nose slightly touching the tiny plant. Its scent was oddly familiar and yet highly exotic. If they say it… if they felt it… and they could think Earth was the only one. _This… this is heaven. Haven. My haven. Humanity has always been afraid of not finding anything like itself, and what it’s familiar with. Now we have found worse… also better, I think. I will always miss Earth, but this is… beautiful. Also something new I found. Mine. My little secret._

’It has been my attempt for a long time now. You are saying I am not successful?’  
’You are. Just… convincing is sometimes not enough if it only happens once. It has to be kept up.’  
Suspiciously he didn’t say anything. She knew his steps were getting closer too, though it could be barely heard on the thin layer of grass, but she could feel his body moving towards him.

’I feel like… I found you. Like you’re somehow mine and mine only, you belong to me because I’m your discoverer.’ Deep, dark hotness somewhere around her stomach. Adrenaline racing through her veins. She felt like someone who uncovered a secret and was now waiting for a sentence over her fate.

There is no one to watch us here. It’s ours. Yours and mine.

She felt like a five-year-old girl catching butterflies int he fields, she ate the sun. Warmth. Warmth everywhere. The scent of flowers, colours blue, yellow, pink, purple and ones she didn’t have words for. (Jaal did. Maybe.) Homey… beautiful blue eyes of a person of a species nobody knew existed a few months ago.  
They were in synthesis of letting all this wonder melt through their skin.  
Skin.  
There is nobody to watch us here.  
The 3 fingered hand somehow found the 5 fingered one, or reverse, their eyes met, and her sigh of relief was so soft and sweet and satisfied.

He held out his arms and since she showed no sign of suspicion he switched off her translator machine. He started a sentence in his language, the way he'd been speaking until now as well, and his eyes showed his belief that his words are secret, that it's only he who understands. 'I wish so much that I could kiss you now.'

She waited for his recognition, eyes shining with an almost rabid light, not wasting a moment with blinking. 'What makes you stop?' Her blood felt something very electric now. Her cheeky innocent smile was sometimes the freest act of her life. _How could you think I did not know the words? What do you believe I spent my free hours? You thought you could hide behind a barrier you believed to exist?_ Though she wandered how her accent could sound. Her face went red. Very red. Not only because of the accent, obviously.  
His body’s warmth invited her like a new home. Promises in soft touches, strokes. A memory awakened but it was different. Closer. More than a promise. Flowerscent. His kiss was calming and unsettling at the same time. She asked questions without a voice, and got answers without them. The sky through her eyelashes was still sheer blue and the flames in the distant sun so familiar.

She could touch the plants, the ground which covered the cold stone, as nature conquered it back, she could be touched by the sun and by him and it didn't hurt. She felt like flying. She was flying. Blue burned into her eyes, she tasted it like the finest meal. She closed her eyes to make time stop but instead it twisted and turned all around and finally her senses were lost in it, no longer caring. It was almost better than stopping. A whole life pulsed around her, inviting, accepting, she didn't ever want to go away from here but she knew that when the time came, if it finally wanted to find its ground again, it would be much different... this blue must have put a new filter on the world. It must have.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I still haven't finished Andromeda I had an idea about the scene where these two would find privacy. Of course I did not believe that my idyllic ideas could be matched by happenings in a game. But it seems in this matter I underestimated BioWare because that water scene was just... magnificent, so it kinda lived up to my expectations. I didn't believe they would do it. They did. But nevertheless, here was an idea and I don't like any ideas lost.


End file.
